


falling-failing-fine

by distorted_reflection



Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Eating Disorders, Gen, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Mental Instability, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, and uh, probably Bipolar Disorder mention?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-12
Updated: 2016-10-12
Packaged: 2018-08-22 03:00:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8270083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/distorted_reflection/pseuds/distorted_reflection
Summary: Hey. Hello. How are you? Fine? Oh, how am I? I’m fine too. (Aren’t I? Can you see the truth?)





	

**Hey. Hello. How are you? Fine? Oh, how am I? I'm fine too. Aren't I? Aren't I perfectly fine?**

_Hey. Can you see the faint old scars on my arms? The traces on my neck, fresh marks on my shoulders and thighs where you could never find them? Evidence of my weakness, proof of my despair. Old needlemarks hidden behind parallel lines of lies._

You can see my skin and it's perfectly clear. No needle marks or cuts or bruises, nail marks or bites or burns. Cigarettes are bad, but hey. Who cares in this age and day.

_You can't see my back bleeding crimson, my thighs raw from overused healing kido. Hey, did you know, if you heal too often your skin and flesh crumble, tear, fragile as paper? Like a shedding snake or moulting bird, and twice as painful. Bandages are the fashion of today. And drugs stopped helping long ago, no more highs or relief when it's all too much, a simple flatline in the brain and heart from overuse, an automatic restart from the lighting-sharp reiatsu that never stops flowing through my dead heart. Discoloured blood, diluted with water and pain and chemicals, under skin as thin as paper planes, spills like falling rain from the steel paintbrush of my sword._

_The shivers from withdrawals pass unnoticed in the cold winters, even as my body craves the comfort, the relief provided by drugs, the chemical poison I took willingly that does nothing to help anymore, and my mind runs-flashes-races fasterfasterfaster, and icant slowitdown, ithurtsbreakstwists..._

_no control over anything, and everything hurts, manic energy seizing me and moving me twisting-turning in short episodes, awful highs that leave everything broken and in shards and something aches but i can't concentrate_

**Hey, Yoruichi, Tessai.**  We live in the same house, don't we? I don't go to dinner and you never see me sleep, but that's okay. I eat whenever I stop working and sleep when you're not looking. I'm good at hiding and my schedule's erratic, nothing's wrong and everything's going fine.

_Hey, old friends. Aren't you bothered by the fact that my collarbones and cheekbones are sharp enough to cut with, the delicate bones of my hands pronounced enough that they look glass-like fragile? The bedroom I never use, the shadows under my eyes not caused by my hat don't bother you. I don't eat and I don't sleep, dead man walking, but all the signs disappear when you turn around and look, looking for flaws, looking for defects._

_i hide too well, you trust too much, who cares, right? red grey greenblackwhite painjoysmilessimilesohisthatyou? ithinkdielivecry_

**Hey! Haven't I always been perfectly fine?**  Survived all my life, survived all my scrapes without dying, lived with my job, past the sickening murders and violent prisoners. Indestructible and mysterious and humorous, not a crack in my psyche apart from the standard genius ditziness.

_Hey. I'm shattered and desperate, life falling through my hands like water, cutting like sharp glass shards. Drowning in guilt I can't bear, the things that I've done I did in fear, the prison looming over me and shadowing my every step in order to extract obedience. I can't hold it and I can't let go, I don't want to go on day after day, I've plunged off a cliff and I am always falling._

_fallen-falling-shattering-dying, how many words can i think of in my flashes of lucidity during tidal waves of insanity_

**Hey, I'm alright. Thank you for asking.**

**Author's Note:**

> _Sooo _much angst from me lately. Ah well. It's a coping method, supposedly. It works a little? Whatever.__   
>    
>  What d'ya think of the language style? Should've done this differently? Should've never written this at all? Please review, gents.   
> 


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